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 October
27, 2004 - Silly me. Here
I had thought all the brouhaha over my Hamster
Hot Air Balloon piece was over and done with two years ago.
However, that just doesn't seem to be the case. Apparently several
animal loving - Birkenstock wearing - save the rainforest - hippie
cock smokers have taken it upon themselves to chastise my actions
on numerous animal cruelty websites. As a result, I've gotten over
one-hundred pieces of hate mail in
the past week alone saying that I'm an "evil and sick person,"
or that I'm "going to straight to hell with Hitler,"
or my personal favorite - that I should be "beaten with
a stick until I learn to respect animals."
Look
people, I don't tell you how to treat your pets, let's not preach
to me about how a hamster should or should not be treated. To that
affect, I have bought a new hamster. I would like to introduce you
to my newest roommate, Vincent. His life cost only $3.99, plus tax,
at our local pet store - what a great buy!
To
all you hamster loving freaks out there, because of your unnecessary
stupidity, I am issuing you a declaration:
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Either
I receive $500 by December 5th, 2004, or poor little
Vincent is going to be rigged up to a dozen mylar balloons
and sent deep into the upper atmosphere.
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UPDATE:
November 9, 2004 -
So far, the hamster-lovin' world has raised $51.50 in their hopes
of saving poor Vincent's life. Many
of you should be happy to hear that Vincent has developed a huge
fan base from overseas -- with thousands of visitors each day spouting
their support from the likes of England, Australia, Germany, Holland
and Israel, to name a few.
Now,
one would assume that such a large international following could
muster more support than a mere $51.50... and this might prove to
be true except for one crucial factor -- an overwhelming amount
of respondents would rather see Vincent's furry ass catapulted skyward
in his hot air balloon coffin than have him spared from his impending
doom. I've even received numerous emails from visitors saying that
they'd be more willing to donate towards his death than his freedom.
To
that affect... it looks like the rules of the game have changed.
Instead
of my previous ultimatum of $500 by December 5th
to save Vincent, I'm going to put the decision more in the
hands of you, the internet viewer.
Whichever
side donates the most cash by December 5th, will
clearly control the fate of this brave hamster's life.
This
is your time to cast the most decisive vote in human history:
Will Vincent follow our old friend Ass
in his vertical ascent to heaven, or will he be unshackled
from his life of imprisonment?
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